Pets Online

Here are clips from the Funny Pet News.

We know what you’re thinking, “wow, those hosts, Beth Hoyt and Laura Valpey are SO hilarious and witty.” Well, yes, that’s true, but the trick is, these stories are REAL pet news stories. Gosh, it practically writes itself. In this episode:
•Bear-ly a Safari
•Hooters: Great, Big Heaving Philanthropists
•GatorAid
•Russian To The Grave
•MOSCOW CABLE COMMERCIAL
•Monkey See, Monkey See Better
•Camel-Woe
•Starring Dick Van Dog
•NEXT WEEK?

This is Zootoo.com’s program dedicated to Funny Pet News.

Watch as Laura and Beth bring you real pet news that proves the truth is stranger than fiction.

This episode;
Diet Pill for Dogs
Human Chimpanzee
California Spay/Neuter Bill
Undercover Robotic Lizard
Whippet Hulk
Cat Survives 3-Week Pacific Ocean Crossing
Pig-Casso

Show transcript;

LAURA: The most muscular dog you’ve ever seen, a Painting Pig-Casso, and a solution for chunky dogs. All true today on Zootoo News.

BETH: Because we can reference Doggy Style, and still stay rated G.

STORY 1:
BETH: The FDA has approved a prescription diet pill for dogs called Slentrol that helps suppress a dog’s appetite and block the absorption of fatty foods. The drug is highly recommended for any dog that’s ever complained about having a huge ass.

STORY 2:
BETH: Campaigners in Austria are fighting to give human status to Hiasl, a 26 year old chimpanzee. The activists say they have a solid case because the chimp can recognize himself in the mirror, play hide and seek, and he breaks into fits of giggles when tickled.
Unfortunately, so does Elmo.

STORY 3:
LAURA: In California, a bill that would require most dogs and cats to be spayed or neutered has been postponed, despite the lobbying efforts of Bob Barker. When asked for comment, Bob says if he has to he will take the spay and neuter matter into his own hands with the new MiracleBlade knife set [for a retail price of .95]!

STORY 4:
LAURA: Scientists in New Zealand have created an underwater robotic lizard to record the breeding patterns of rare prehistoric lizardoids. So far, the study has found that scientists will go to extreme lengths to see some really kinky porn.

STORY 5:
BETH: No, this dog does not have schwartzeneger’s genes, nor has she spent a single day at the gym. Wendy is a whippet with a rare gene defect that gives her “double muscle.”
She enjoys long walks, eating organic dog food, or anything else she desires. Because what Wendy says, goes.
Despite her stature, Wendy’s owner says “she is a really sweet dog. Sometimes she even lets me leave the house.”

STORY 6:
BETH: Pamela Escamilla accidentally packed her cat in a shipping container and sent it over the Pacific Ocean. When she opened the container 18 days later, Escamillo was relieved to find the cat alive.
She was even more relieved to find her son Bobby, packed in with the linens.

STORY 7:
LAURA: Ten year old Smithfield, a pet pig diagnosed with nasal cancer has a unique way of supporting his second round of chemotherapy — by painting! He is selling a calendar featuring his original art.
Let’s take a look.

This is Zootoo.com’s program dedicated to Funny Pet News.

Watch as Laura Valpey and Beth Hoyt bring you real pet news that proves the truth is stranger than fiction.

This episode;
Royal Pain
Zorse
Two-Headed Lizard
Dog Survives 6-story Jump
Dog Found Hanging Upside Down on Fence
Puppy Cats?
Doggie Road Trip
Love Motel for Dogs

Show transcript;

LAURA: A Royal Pain, A Zorse, and a Looove Motel for Dogs …
all True, all today, on Zootoo News.

BETH: Here, when we have a story about adoption, it doesn’t involve Angelina Jolie.

LAURA: Hi, I’m Laura Valpey

BETH: And I’m Beth Hoyt. First up today:

Story 1:
BETH: In London, Mark McGowan ate a dog as a way to protest the royal family’s alleged link to animal cruelty.

The royal family responded by saying, “Fine, we’ll let Camilla out of her cage.”

Story 2:
BETH: A half-horse/half-zebra hybrid has been born, and they’re calling it a Zorse.

Cross breeding animals to create hybrids is gaining in popularity. This hybrid’s fuel efficiency has even attracted the attention of Al Gore.
Also, it has such great horsepower.

Story 3:
LAURA: Barbara Witte, a reptile breeder, was surprised with birth of her two-headed bearded dragon. Experts say usually one head will establish dominance, and the other one won’t eat, just like the Olson twins.

Story 4:
LAURA: In Cologne, a dog survived a jump out of a six-story window, landing on a third floor balcony.
His owners have no idea why he took the jump, but continue to feed him Red Bull.

Story 5:
BETH: In Johannesburg, South Africa, after 7 hours in the bitter cold, a dog was found hanging upside down from a fence by his testicles.
After years of being pissed on, the fence finally had the dog by the balls.
The owners took down the dangerous fence, and it was immediately purchased by Bob Barker.

Story 6:
BETH: While locals say it is simply a money-making scam, A Brazilian woman claims her cat gave birth to the puppies it was found nursing, making them puppy cats? Kitty Dogs?
A mix of two animals? That is crazy!

And who would be desperate enough to use newborns as a way to get money?

Story 7
LAURA: BREAKING NEWS!!! On a family road trip in 1983, Presidential hopeful, Mitt Romney, placed his family dog into a kennel strapped to the top of his station wagon. The dog expressed his discomfort with an attack of diarrhea.

And if we learned anything in 1983, it’s that on family road trips, shit happens.

Story 8:
LAURA: Robson Marinho claims he has opened the first Love Motel for Dogs in the world, complete with ceiling mirrors, romantic music and satin sheets.

The cost of doggie love room for two hours, . Not having to call her in the morning: Priceless.

BETH: Thank you for watching Zootoo News. See you next time.

LAURA: Why’d they call that thing a zorse? … why not a hor-bra?

BETH: Cause that’s a whore bra.

BETH: I don’t get the Red Bull joke. He jumped out of the window because he was hyper?

LAURA: No! Red Bull gives you wings!

This is Zootoo.com’s program dedicated to Funny Pet News.

Watch as Beth Hoyt and Laura Valpey bring you real pet news that proves the truth is stranger than fiction.

This episode;
Killer Cat
Lavish Pet Funeral
Cute Knut Children’s Book
Rat Land Mine Detector
Missing Boa Constrictor
Cops Kill Pig
Dog Whores
Attempted K-9 Robbery

Show transcript;

BETH: A Grim Reaper Cat, Knut!, and Doggy Rentals … All true pet stories, on Zootoo News.

1.) LAURA:
Oscar the cat, who lives in a nursing home in Providence, Rhode Island seems to have an uncanny knack for predicting when patients are about to die. The cat seems to always curl up next to patients before they pass away. One thing Oscar will never hear? “Heeeeerre kitty kitty …”

2.) LAURA:
A funeral home in China recently received a big contract, preparing a 2 day, ,000 funeral for a widower’s only companion, his dog. Locals complained that the lavish pet funeral was unnecessary. But would you want to be the guy who’s dog funeral didn’t have an open bar?

4.) BETH:
Knut the very popular polar bear that resides in the Berlin Zoo has a new 44-page children’s book out about him. When asked if the Harry Potter series will interfere with its sales, Knut’s trainer said “No, because at the end of Harry Potter, everyone was surprised when beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeP, but that won’t happen at the end of Knut’s 7th book.

5.) LAURA
Columbian police have begun a new program, training rats to detect explosives in minefields. In order to teach them to be less skiddish on the fields, the rodents are locked in cages with cats, which helps them overcome their fear of possible predators.
The next goal: help them overcome their fear of getting blown up.

6.) LAURA:
Dana Shields’ pet boa constrictor is missing near a Memphis golf course. The owner says she named the snake Fluffy so people would be less fearful of him. Which sounds nice, until you realize he was named after his last meal.

Beth: marshmallow pie thought
Laura: No. Fluffy dog joke.

7.) BETH:
The Jones family is furious with their local sheriff’s department in Georgia, after a deputy shot and killed their pet pig, Gator, when he wandered onto a neighbor’s property.
There is more controversy to this story, as the Jones’ reported that Gator weighed 90lbs, but the sheriff’s office estimated the pig weighed 200 lbs. After hearing this the Jones’ said, “first you kill our pig, now you call him fat!”

8.) BETH:
And now, the latest in canine convenience — a California company that contracts out dogs by the day.
Marlena Cervantes, founder of FlexPetz, bristles when people refer to her five-month-old business as a rent-a-pet service. She prefers the term ‘’shared pet ownership”, saying “our members realize they can’t care for a pet full-time.”

Laura: Sounds perfect for those commitment phobe guys. (immediately realizes mistake, looks at beth) Sorry, Be—
Beth: Yeah, so they’ll know what it feels like to be taken out for a day, made to feel special, and then never called on again.

9.) LAURA:
Three criminals attempted to rob a K-9 unit training facility in Gainesville, Georgia. A sergeant on the scene said “for anyone to run from a whole unit of canines, it’s just a no win situation.”
Signs outside the training facility warn: “Caution! Gainesville Police Department K-9 Training Facility! Keep Out!” Which proves that even if you’re planning on becoming a criminal, you need to learn to read.

“Beware of Dog”
“Caution Keep Out!”
“Seriously. Big Dogs Ahead.”
“Dude. You’re Going to Get Bit”
“You Should Have Learned To Read”
Picture of Big dog
Picture of it biting a man
Picture of a hand pointing at the person looking at it.